Q: I’m a middle school teacher and department chair, and lately I’ve been up to my ears in leadership team meetings as we plan for the reopening of our school. Everyone on the team is high on stress and low on patience, but a couple of team members are just plain mean. They’ll regroup after meetings with the principal to mock him. They make fun of him for talking slowly, telling interminable and off-topic stories, and cracking dumb jokes. I get that they feel like he’s wasting their time, and I’m not saying they’re wrong, but the eye-rolling and insults are over the top and unnecessary. And to be honest, I personally find his stories and “dad jokes” charming. He’s under more stress than the rest of us and doesn’t deserve their contempt. I’m tempted to tell him that certain members of his leadership team are criticizing him unfairly behind his back. I think he should know that he can’t trust these teachers. Most of us already know they’re vicious, and I’ve been on the receiving end of their behavior more than a few times, but I don’t think the principal has their number. Would telling him what they’re saying about him be a mistake? And how can I constructively relay their comments?
A: I’m going to put on my school counselor hat to answer this question because this is quintessential middle school. Try seeing the situation through a different lens. Let’s say a student told you she heard two kids gossiping about a third classmate — calling him boring, saying he wasn’t funny, and that he talked too slowly. Would you advise the student to pass along the mean-spirited comments? I’m guessing you wouldn’t. You might point out that the gossipers likely believed they were talking in confidence and weren’t looking to hurt his feelings. Or that she could have caught them on the heels of a particularly irritating interaction. I’m guessing you’d also tell her that repeating the comments would be more hurtful than constructive, leaving the boy feeling wounded and powerless. What could he do with the information, anyway? He’d be unlikely to confront his classmates, let alone start talking faster, telling funnier jokes, or sharing more interesting stories. There’s no point knowing about their contempt. As I often tell kids, it’s none of your business what people say behind your back.
Which brings us back to your situation. I think you need to take a hard look at your own motivation. Are you truly seeking to protect the principal, or do you just want him to know about your “vicious” colleagues? If it’s the former, it would be kinder to say nothing and instead call out your team members’ meanness in real time. You always can jump in to defuse the tension and say you find your principal’s stories charming. If it’s the latter, however, stick to your personal story. Don’t make this about him.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
