Q: My students (and their parents) are starting to worry a LOT about the upcoming college admissions season. Due to the pandemic and the move to distance learning, my school implemented a new grading system, and the upshot is that many more kids are going to get A’s this semester. Meanwhile, kids who planned to take, or retake, standardized tests this spring are getting boxed out after multiple cancellations. Activities they planned for the summer, like impressive internships or research projects, have been canceled as well. In short, my rising 12th graders are starting to realize that if they want to stand out to college admissions officers, they don’t have a lot of options. An awful lot, then, seems to be riding on the quality of their essays and recommendation letters.
Every year, I’m flooded with requests to write recommendations because I’m good at connecting with my students, and they know I’ll focus on their strengths. But this year I’ve gotten many more requests than usual, and the kids are saying things like, “This is going to be extremely important, so please, please, please tell them whatever you can to convince them to take me.” I understand their fears (and their anxiety is rubbing off on me), but I can’t write a letter for every kid. I’d never write a bad recommendation, but I just don’t know some of these students very well, and some of them pretty much checked out (perhaps for understandable reasons) when we went to remote learning, which leaves me with even less to say about them. (Then there’s also that one student I worked with in the environmental club, and who seems like a great kid, but who has never taken a class with me.)
In short, I have to say no to some students, and I could use advice on how to let them down gently. These kids are under a lot of stress already, it’s been a rough year, and I don’t want to make things even worse. But it wouldn’t be helpful to write BS letters for them. So how do I deal with my guilt, and do you have any tips on saying no in a tactful way?
A: In most cases, students will have other options, and they’ll be better off asking somebody else for a recommendation. As you note, it’s not helpful for you to write a poorly phrased letter that doesn’t illuminate their strengths, or to dash off a short letter because you don’t know them all that well. It’s kinder to say no to them than to knowingly kill their chances with the admissions office.
But keep in mind that some kids know full well that they aren’t the strongest students, but if they want to apply to college, they need a recommendation letter all the same. It takes guts to ask a teacher for help. If a kid chooses to approach you, there’s a good chance they think you’re their best option, and it’s worth giving that possibility some thought before turning them down. If that’s the situation, consider interviewing them to gather more information. Ask them about their most meaningful experiences, their hopes for college, challenges they were able to overcome, accomplishments they’re proud of, and whether there are any extenuating circumstances that might help you make a strong case for admitting them. As you talk to them, you might realize you have more good things to say than you thought.
Let’s assume, though, that you’re not the student’s best option, and the right thing to do is to turn them down. You might start by letting them know you appreciate that they trusted you enough to ask for help. Validate their concerns, too. If they express fear that their whole future hangs on this one letter, you might say, “I’d also be stressed if I thought the recommendation was that important, but here’s what I can tell you . . .” You could then point out that this is an unusual year to begin with, and that admissions officers always look at the bigger picture anyway. (You might ask your school’s college counselors to underscore this point.) Then explain to the student that the strongest applications include letters from individuals who can speak to their strengths and are able to provide concrete examples. This is where the “gentle refusal” comes in. Depending on your reasons for denying the request, consider wording such as:
“You deserve a very strong letter. I want you to be as competitive an applicant as possible, and I think you might want to ask someone who has spent more time in the classroom with you. I’d be happy to help you brainstorm other options, if you think that might be helpful.”
“I would do you a disservice since I’m really only familiar with your work in the environmental club. If the college wants a recommendation from a teacher who supervises one of your extracurriculars, I’d be happy to write it.”
Keep in mind, though, that the delivery is as important as the words you choose. Be warm and encouraging, offer whatever help you can, and make it clear that you’re rooting for them and want only the best for them.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell
Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.
