Teacher upset that her supervisor chose work over friendship

Q: I’m a high school English teacher, and I’ve been thinking about leaving my school. I’ve been hesitant to make that public, though, because my principal’s ego is notoriously tied up in his staff retention numbers. Even if I ended up staying, I think he’d hold a grudge. Here’s where things get messy. I decided to share my tentative plans confidentially with Nora, the chair of my department. She’s been a close, trusted friend for more than five years, and I wanted her advice. Our families hang out on the weekend, our kids are friends, we’ve gone on vacation together, and she knows personal details about my life. So imagine my shock when my principal cornered me in the hall to say, “So, when were you going to tell me you were looking to leave?” Nora is the only one other than my husband whom I told about my plans. When I asked Nora why she told the principal, she said she was sorry I was hurt, but she felt strongly that she had a professional obligation to the school and the students. She said she’s so certain I’ll get a job and leave, she feels they need to start planning now for my replacement. She also said I should have known I was putting her in a difficult position by sharing my plans in the first place. I’m confused and feel betrayed, and I have a few questions: Did she act ethically? Was I crazy to think a work colleague could be a “real” friend? And where do I go from here? 

A: I give you credit for trying to see this from multiple perspectives. It would be easy to focus on the betrayal and your hurt, and to gloss over her professional obligations. I’ll separate the two questions, which address different issues. You want to know if she acted ethically, and whether you should be revisiting the friendship. 

If there are no competing interests, it’s easy to prioritize friendship over work. In this case, she’s chosen to put her role as department chair first and to look out for the school. She’s made it clear that she views this as her primary duty, and she justified her choice on the grounds that she needs time to search for your replacement. She may still consider you a close friend, but she felt she had to protect the students’ best interests.