Q: I’m a teacher in a public school district, and like many other teachers right now, I’m leaving my job. But unlike many other teachers across the country, I’m not leaving because my students are dysregulated and the principal isn’t punishing them or because I lack time or supplies or support from parents. In fact, I’m not leaving for any of the expected post-pandemic reasons. I’m leaving because I don’t like my school in particular. More specifically, my department chair has made me miserable day after day, year after year, and I’ve never felt comfortable going to my principal for help fixing that dynamic. He’s always in a rush and routinely keeps his door closed when he’s in his office, which is much of the time. He also hates conflict and has made it clear to the staff that he doesn’t want to get involved in what he calls “teacher playground squabbles.” So I just took emotional hit after hit from my supervisor until I felt I had to leave.

Much to my surprise given his avoidant-verging-on-dismissive style, my principal just offered me an exit interview. He told me he was genuinely caught off guard when he learned that I wanted to leave, especially since I’m a highly regarded teacher and in his mind, “we get along well.” Plus, he knows that I’m going to a neighboring district where I’ll teach the same subject to kids in the same grade that I teach right now, only with a longer commute and a lower salary. I suppose he realizes that I must have been pretty miserable to make that sort of move. I mean, the whole thing is disappointing to me, too. It’s not the district’s policy to offer exit interviews, so he’s doing this on his own. If only he had showed that type of initiative earlier, maybe we wouldn’t even be in this boat! In any case, now I’m wary. I might want to return to this district someday, and I don’t want to go all scorched earth, burning a bridge on him. I’d prefer to just slip out the back door. Can I turn down the exit interview? And if I take him up on the offer, what should I say?

A: You’re leaving in part because of a failure of communication, on his part and on yours. It sounds like he considers your departure a loss, has some regrets, and wants to learn from the experience. He’s under no obligation to offer you an exit interview, so this feels like a sincere offer. Given that, I think he’s more likely to take it personally if you decline the interview than if you approach the conversation respectfully, professionally, and constructively.

It sounds like he considers your departure a loss, has some regrets, and wants to learn from the experience.

If you’re worried about going “scorched earth,” write down what you want to say in advance and stick to the script. This isn’t the time to spew negativity or rehash every conflict you’ve ever had with your department chair. That ship has sailed. That said, you can paint a broader picture of the problematic relationship. And on an organizational level, you can share that you weren’t sure how to get help when you struggled. Be prepared for him to ask you why you didn’t approach him. If he does, you can decide how much you want to share. For instance, you could say that you sensed from his comments to staff that he didn’t want to get involved in interpersonal issues. You could own your part as well by noting that you could have communicated concerns directly and proactively. While it’s fair to wish he were more accessible and approachable, it’s not fair to expect him to read your mind.

In short, I see the exit interview as an opportunity for you to demonstrate that you value your relationship enough to communicate openly. Ideally, you’ll both feel a little better about an unfortunate situation. You might even leave feeling more supported than when you walked in, if only because he cared enough to ask to meet with you. As an added bonus, you’ll get practice being assertive and voicing your concerns, skills that could help you address this type of problem in the future.


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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Phyllis L. Fagell

Phyllis L. Fagell is the school counselor at Landon School in Washington, D.C., a therapist at the Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, Md., and the author of the Career Confidential blog. She is also the author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers, available at https://amzn.to/3Pw0pcu.